What a difference a year makes...

I was talking to my husband the other night, about how different our life has been this past year.

I have been very ill for several years, and during moments of those years, when things were at their worst, I felt despair, and fear.  I had some very dark days, where I couldn't see an end to pain, and emotional anguish.  I kept hoping things would get better, but as days dragged into months, then into years, it became harder and harder to keep my faith, and positivity. 

The hardest moments came, when I was on my knees, in tears, full sobbing, begging for relief, for peace, and for strength, and felt abandoned.  I know, now, that I was not abandoned, that I was being protected and strengthened, and that I was being molded into the person that I needed to be.  That I needed to keep my faith, even in the greatest trial of my life thus far, and be loyal to Him whom I loved, and trusted with my whole heart. 

In those dark moments, it was not easy, but I did not become bitter.  I prayed harder, and differently than I had before.  I did not ask to have the trial removed from me, as I once had, I simply begged for strength to make it through one hour, then one day.  With each passing day, although my physical strength did not grow like I prayed, and I was still very ill, and very weak, my mental resolve, and emotional strength became clear.  I began to notice many tiny tender mercies each day, and it was easier to see the ways that I was being blessed and protected.  I still struggled, I am not perfect, but I was changing. 

Now, I am thankful for my trials, as diffacult, and terrifying as they had been, because they changed me, and they made me a much more loyal, strong, and faithful person than I ever would have been without them.

This illness, and subsequent trials, also opened up my heart, to receive many blessings, and friendships I would have not received had I not been in that exact circumstance.  God's love for me, was manifest through those who were closest to me, and through them, many miracles and blessings were given to me. 

I am not the same person I was when I began this journey 5 years ago.  I am grateful for who I am, and how I got here.  Even though, this has been a hard journey, and it is not fully over, I will be forever grateful, that I was able to see a portion of the Lord's love for me, in the blessings he has given me during this time. 

It would have been very easy to become bitter, and angry, even feel hatred to God. I have known many people who have become that way.  I do not judge them, because I know how hard it is.  I was so lucky to have my parents, and siblings remind me of His love for me, and tell me of tender mercies they had seen in my life.  I would hope that I would have seen that myself, as fully as they did, but I am glad they loved me enough to help me see, so that I could see it on my own later. 

Often, we are given answer to prayer, and receive blessings from others, that God sends to our aid.