Late Night Cuddles

Sometimes, the moments of peace, and calm you pray for all day, don't come until the wee hours of the night....

Church can be chaotic, going alone with 2 kids, one of which never, ever stops moving.  Ever.  Sometimes, I feel like I will never get anything out of church again.  The times I used to spend worshiping, are now spent walking the halls for 2 hours with the Little Man so that he isn't screaming, and my Little Miss can go to her class and learn what she needs to learn to be a strong and faithful young woman.  Today, was no exception, the time I did spend in class, my little guy spent screaming.  It can get overwhelming fast, in a place, you associate with peace, and calm. And, sometimes, it feels like if you can't find peace there, when you need it most, you won't find it anywhere. 

Tonight, my little man took his diaper off no less than 8 times in an hour, and proceeded to pee all over my floor in several rooms.  He also decided it would be a fun game, to pour an entire box of Nerds unto the living room floor, pee on them, then roll around naked in them, all while I was scrambling to make dinner before Adam came home from work.  Oh yeah, we rock hard on Sunday nights over here. 

By the time I crawled up the stairs to get them into bed, I was beat in every way.  All I wanted was a second to breathe, and then sleep.  Just as I settled into my book, I heard little foot steps headed my way.

"Mama, can I cuddle for a little while?" Seriously, who can resist those sweet blue eyes? As we cuddled, she asked me to tell her again the story of her.  Usually, I give her the short and sweet version, "Mommy and Daddy loved each other so much, and so we had you." Tonight, my emotions have been very close to the surface, and I wanted her understand how deeply she was loved, how wanted, and how long we waited for her. 

This is the story of her, one of the 2 most beautiful, sacred, and tender mercies I have ever been given. 

I told her how before she was born, Mommy and Daddy prayed very hard for her, and how it took us a very long time to get her here.  I told her about how when she finally came, we were so scared, because she was sick, and we prayed so hard for her again.  I told her, that when I finally got to hold her, I cried, because I was so happy, and I would kiss her, and sing to her, and hold her forever if she would stay mine.  I talked to her, about how I got very sick after she was born, and I was very sick for a long time, and how I was scared, I wasn't going to be able to take care of her like I needed too... Then she said, "And then you had Brother..." I told her, how lucky we were that we got two special babies, both her, and brother.  She told me, that she wanted to pray for another baby, that she wanted a sister.  I cried as I explained to her how sometimes, when Heavenly Father lets a mommy have two special babies, they can't have any more.  My heart broke all over again, as she wiped away my tears.  She cuddled closer and I held her tight.  I can't stop her from growing up too fast, but I can sure soak up those late night cuddles as long as I can. 

As I told her the story of her, all of the tender mercies I received leading up to her birth, and after, came flooding back.  All of the nights of tear filled prayers, begging for a baby, wondering if I was being heard, came to a head.  I know I was heard, I know I was very blessed. Sometimes, I still get very sad, knowing that there won't be anymore babies, swelling in my tummy, and that I can't give her the sister that she wishes, and prays for every night.  But when I tell her, her very special story, of how she came to be, I feel that peace again, that I felt, when I held her for the very first time, that peace that came from countless answered prayers, and years of waiting.  Sometimes, when Heavenly Father gives a mommy 2 special babies, he can't give her anymore.  Sometimes, that's very hard to understand, even as an adult. But, I know, that in the end, it will be all right.