Faith

"Hold the ground you have already won. Be true to the faith you have."
~Holland

 The past few weeks, my heart has been so very heavy. I have tried so hard to be faithful, to believe, and to have hope that things will be ok.  A couple weeks ago, as I met with my Bishop, I sat sobbing, as I told him how tired I was, how overwhelmed, and how quickly I was losing hope for my sweet son.  He had me read some scriptures, and told me that I needed to be very specific in my needs for my son in prayer.  I have been trying my friends.  My heart has been broken, and I have begged and pleaded with the Lord for my son.  I know He hears me. I know He is blessing him, and me.

Today, as I listen to Conference, Elder Holland's talk spoke to my heart.  It was the answer I sought for all of these long months. "A partial blessing, a glimmer of hope"....  that is all I ask now.  

My heart is too full, to speak all that I feel inside.  Please listen to his words.  I have already listened to it 4 times today, and learn something each time I hear it.  The words he speaks about the Mother of the child that is waiting to be healed by Jesus, are the words I have spoken in sacred prayer too many times to count.  

 "Hold fast onto what you already know, and stand strong until additional knowledge comes."

He is Risen!

 

"He is risen! He is risen!

He hath opened heaven's gate.
We are free from sin's dark prison,
Risen to a holier state.
And a brighter Easter beam
On our longing eyes shall stream."

My heart has been so full this week.  I have been praying for miracles.  So many I love have been struggling, I have been struggling.  There have been some very real, and very hard things we have struggled through as a family, and as individuals.  

I've been praying so hard for those I love who are struggling, For Adam, and Reagan. I pray constantly for my Wyatt Boy, and I've been praying for myself.

I felt discouraged earlier in the week, and felt like my miracle would not come.  I wonder if that is a bit of what Mary felt as she went to the tomb to attend to Christ's body, discouraged, overwhelmed, sad.  And when she got there, thinking he had been moved, she did not know what to do, so she cried.  I imagine her faith might have wavered a bit in that moment, as she poured her heart out to God, wondering why she did not have her miracle after all her suffering.  And then, as Christ spoke to her, and she realized who he was, that he had indeed Risen, and her miracle came.  I felt that way this week.  Discouraged, overwhelmed, and sad.  Wondering when and if my miracle that I have prayed, and begged for would ever come.  Then in a tender moment, as tears filled my eyes, as I spoke to my sweet girl, about the miracle that is Christ's birth, life, and the miracle of his Resurrection, as I explained to her, that when she hurts, he hurts, and that he knows.  As I told her about praying for peace, and help when she is sad, or worried, and that it will always come.  It was then as I choked back tears as I told her that he died for her, so that she would never be alone, even when she felt so very alone, and that he died so that she could live again with us, and Heavenly Father, my miracle came.  

It did not come as I prayed, or as I had planned.  But what came, was exactly what I needed.  My heart was filled was love, and understanding for God's love for me.  I was reminded that even when I feel so very alone, I am not.  There is One that knows. There is One, that has taken that pain, and has stood by my side weeping with me as I have hurt.  There is One that knows the pain of my sweet boy, and comforts him when I cannot.  And there is a Father in Heaven, that knows just what I am feeling as I watch my baby suffer.  He weeps with me, and he knows how broken my heart is.  And He will heal me.  He will heal Wyatt. I know it won't be today, and it won't be tomorrow.  It will take time, and it may be a hard trial forever, but with his stripes I am healed.

On this Easter Sunday, when that very first Easter Miracle occurred, my heart is full of gratitude for a all knowing and loving Father who sent his perfect Son to die for ME.  For my Boy, my sweet girl, and my love.  He allowed his perfect son, to suffer, and bleed, and finally die for me.  And then, as promised, when three days had past, He rose again, and through that miracle, bound us to him forever.  

My heart is full. 

Faith in Action

I hesitate to share this yet, but it keeps coming to me, so I guess I will.

This month, it seems like the floodgates of financial problems have opened.  We lost our sons full coverage insurance, and now we face massive medical bills, expensive medicine, formula, tests, and specialist that we have to pay for.  Both of our cars need major repairs that we were not expecting and cannot afford. 

In times of financial crisis, it is very difficult to pay tithes to our church, but is a promise we have made to do.  We reached the "should we, or shouldn't we" talk again the other day.  It is hard to see how spending money we need desperately for other things, will benefit us fixing what we need.  Although, every time that we do, we are incredibly blessed. 

I am positive that this time will be no different.  As I handed in our tithes, I prayed once again, that the Lord would see our wiliness to be righteous, even during difficultly, that He would see our faith, and would provide a way for us to fix our cars, and pay our bills. 

Each time I pray, I have flashes of thought come to my mind, that all will be well, if we are faithful, and pay our tithes.  It has been promised to me countless times. 

I know the Lord will bless us.

Humbling

Tonight, I called my sister in tears.  I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed out beyond words.  There is a lot happening in my world, and some days, when I haven't had any rest, it becomes too much.  It was late.  Very late, but since we both seem to carry late hours with our sweet kids, I took a gamble and called her, before I had a complete emotional break on the freeway. 

Ever have those days where it all hits you at once?  She listened as I cried, and poured out my soul and told her how bad my life was, and how I didn't know how to fix it.  I cried as I told her about my boy, and my worries for him, and how I did everything I could to help him get better, but I just didn't know what else to do.  My heart was lifted, as we talked, and it was exactly what I needed. 

I was at the store picking up medicine, and milk, and as I left, feeling much better than when I walked in, I saw an old cripple man, homeless, in a old wheelchair, searching through the trash can, and eating food he found in there.  My heart broke, as I watched him shiver in the cold, and try and maneuver his wheel chair around.  He looked at my kids, and his face lit up.  He told me how beautiful and perfect they were, and how much light and hope they had in their eyes.  I agreed, and dug into my wallet, and slipped him some money.  I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness and pity I had for this poor man.  I always feel so sad and compassionate for the homeless people I see.  It breaks me, and I feel helpless as what to do.  Tonight, as I prayed in my heart for him, with everything inside of me, begging to know what to do to help him in some way, I felt the strongest feeling to take him some food.  I worried he would be gone by the time I found somewhere open, but luckily when I returned, he was still there, digging in the trash.  I handed him his dinner, told him I hoped it would be a nice treat, and it would help him to know how much God loved him.  He told me I looked stunning, and that he hoped God would bless me too.  As I walked away with tears in my eyes, trying not to sob, I knew that He already had. 

When I got back to the car, I tried to explain to Reagan why he was eating trash, and why he was living outside.  Not an easy task with an inquisitive 4 year old.  I told her that he was someone's Grandpa, and he was special as all of God's children are.  I told her it was very sad, because he didn't have a home, or a bed, or even food to eat.  That he didn't have anyone to watch out for him like she did.  I told her that he was probably very cold, and sad, and that Heavenly Father needed us to help watch out for people that didn't have anyone because we are very blessed.  I told her that Heavenly Father takes care of everyone, and that she shouldn't be scared, but when she got older, I wanted her to help other people when she saw that they needed it. 

I often have the words come to my mind: “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs” President Spencer W. Kimball

Tonight, I felt this promise 3 fold.  First, through the comfort I found in my sister's words.  Second, through serving the homeless man.  And third, and most importantly tonight, I was blessed by the homeless man, by understanding several truths; that no matter how terrible, hard, and dreary your life may seem, there is always someone else that has it worse than you; that when I pray for help and peace, the Lord will bless me to see my life through someone else's eyes, see my blessings, and that he will bless me to be able to serve someone else.  

As I spoke to Reagan tonight, about the homeless man, I cried.  I was sad for him, but mostly my heart was full, I had been humbled, but I was caught on fire with the Spirit, blessing me to know what to do, and how to do it.  Even though it was a small gesture, I think that my actions, helped that man to know that he was loved, and God was watching out for him.  When I spoke to her, I told her how loved she was, and how lucky we were that we had a home, and a bed, and food.  We may be struggling in many other ways, but we are so blessed to have the basic needs, that many do not have.  We are so lucky.  So very, very lucky.  We are not hungry, in fact, despite a hard financial situation, we have enough food to be ok for at least a month.  We have beds, warm bedding, more than one pair of clothes.  We have phones, and many people who love us.  We are not alone, in every sense.  We are very loved, and very blessed.

4 Years

4 years ago, my Dad finished up his last cancer treatment.  Every year, at this time since then, he has to go into the Cancer Center, and have a bunch of tests done, and be checked to see if it has come back.  Then he has to wait a full week, before he sees the doctor and finds out his results. 

Needless to say, there is a whole lot of praying that has been happening in our house this month leading up to his appointments. 

Prayers for health, healing, and a strong body.  Prayers that everything will be ok, but mostly prayers to understand God's will, help us accept it, and for peace.

Thankfully, things were looking good.  And in one more year, we will breathe a little easier, the 5 year mark is something special. 

There is an added strength we get from such obviously answered prayers for healing and health.  Moments like this bolster my faith, and help me get through the times where it is a bit weaker. 

Thoughts

I'm still here.  My sweet boy has been pretty sick, and I have been distracted with that.

The past week, there has been a common theme.  I've heard it from friends, close family, and others I have come across.  I've also read it in blog posts from strangers that feel like life long friends.

Life can be so hard.  And that's ok.  It's ok to know that your life is hard, and it's ok to feel upset that it's hard.  Sometimes, I think we feel like we have to be positive every second of every day.  We feel like we have to show others only the best of ourselves, and that talking about, or showing that our life can be difficult is a sign of weakness, makes up lose ground with people we want to feel equal too, and makes us seem ungrateful for what we have.  I really struggle with this.  I feel like owning how difficult my life can be means that I am not grateful for the good things that I have.  Owning our struggle does not make us weak.  It makes us human, and it helps others to feel emotion with us.  This is how we connect, and how we share our lives, and allow other to help us.  Sharing our weakness with others, and our struggles, can also bless others who are struggling, knowing they are not alone, and that someone has been where they have been.

I realized today, that this connection that we share, when we share our struggles with others, is how The Lord allows others to bless us, and in turn, helps us to feel the blessings of the Atonement. 

2 Corinthians 12:8-9: For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

I cannot tell you have many times I have been on my knees, sobbing, begging for The Lord to take a trial away from me, make it easier, or make me stronger.  I often forget that I am being made stronger through my weaknesses.  What a blessing that promise is.

I'm Back :)

I kind of failed for about a month there on my goal. But I'm back now :) My apologies for disappearing for a bit.

This week has been rough. I haven't had much sleep, and I feel like I have never needed it more.  My boy has been struggling.  He always struggles, but he has really, really been struggling the last month.  It has been hard on me, to try and comfort a comfortless boy.  My heart has been broken for him, and full of constant prayer.  Some nights, it feels like He is not hearing me, as I sob with my sobbing in pain boy, pray, and beg for relief and comfort for him, and for answers to come to me to how to help him.  I know, that without him, it would be worse, but in those moments of desperation, it is just. so. hard. to feel heard. 

Some nights, when things are very hard, and I feel so desperate for him, and for myself, thoughts come to me about before he was born, and when I struggled to keep him alive inside me.  Those were dark days. They were so hard.  I begged for the Lord to keep him alive, to let him live, and be mine.  I longed for the days with him, holding him, rocking him, and comforting him, and singing him to sleep.  I dreamt about what his life would be when he came, and who he would be, and how I could help him.  I loved him since I dreamed about him years ago, and in the moment I knew he was to be mine, I knew that I would do whatever it took to let him live a full, wonderful life. 

I realized today, that those incredibly difficult days of praying for this baby to be conceived, then praying for him to survive my pregnancy and birth, those days, where preparing me to love him, and comfort him through these hard days now.  His pain, long sleepless nights, and days filled with screaming and crying, do not inconvenience me, or anger me.  His pain, is my pain, his joy, and moments of triumph are mine.  I think this most be a little bit of what Heavenly Father feels.  He feels every bit of anguish, pain, and despair we feel, and just like I feel for my boy, our joy, and moments of triumph are his.

Hard nights like this, are when the Atonement comes alive for me.  I always felt like people only notice the blessings of it during the good times, and after the storm had passed, not in the thick of it.  I guess He knows I need it now, and not when this trial is over. 
 

Day 20

My Mom is here.  I love having her here. 

She is amazing, my Mom.  She has no idea just how amazing she is, or how much I look up to her.

Tonight, as we were talking, she told me that she doesn't feel like she is a very good person.  I tried to explain to her, that she is who I try and be more like, when I am trying to be better, and trying to be a better, more Chirstlike person. 

She lives her life in a simple faith, and a simple reverence.  She never boasts of all the good she does for others, and she never stops trying to be better.  I learn more from her example than any man's words. 

Tonight as Reagan was crying, really struggling with being sick, she climbed up on my Mom's lap, and told her how hard it was, and couldn't she be done now?  She didn't want to take anymore medicine, and my Mom said something that she has said to me a thousand time growing up, and something that has echoed in my head whenever life gets just a little bit too hard.  "You can do hard things Reagan, I promise, you can do hard things." 

Jesus promised us, that it wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it.  It must be possible to do hard things, if he promised us we can. 

Day 19

Sometimes...most times, when I pray for help, and relief, the Lord sends me my Mom.  Adam had to go back to work today, and I was pretty worried how I would survive on my own with 2 really, really, sick fussy kids that just wanted to be held constantly. 

My sweet Mom came to my rescue yet again, and has been a pure blessing.  It is always good to have her here, and I really enjoy all the I learn from her. 

Tonight, as I went to bed, I walked by the kids rooms to check on them, before I went down. When I walked by Reagan's room, I paused at the door to peak my head in, and I saw something I grew up seeing, something I have seen a thousand times, but something that touches me, and teaches me each time I see it, there at the foot of Reagan's bed, was my Mom, her head bowed in prayer. 

I feel like I pray constantly, but I rarely give it the reverence it deserves, the reverence I was taught in my youth.  On your knees, head bowed, simple, pure, thoughtful, and heart felt prayer.  I also know, growing up listening to her pray, that along with the many people she prays for, that her prayers are full of gratitude, and thanks for the things she has been blessed with. 

I was reminded of how much we receive from prayers, and how much more care I need to give them. 

Day 18

We have been going for drives each night with the windows partially down, so that the kids can get some cold air in their lungs to help them breathe.

Tonight as we were out driving, we drove by the Temple.  My sweet Reagan excitingly said: "Someday, I will put on my Princess Dress, and I will get married in that castle to my Prince". 

There are many things I wish for my kids to have, but there isn't anything I want more for them, than to be married for eternity.  I want more than anything for them to keep that desire, and hope with them forever, and to make that important choice.

It makes me wonder if this is a what Heavenly Father feels with us, to a small degree at least.  That hope that we will keep our lives, thoughts, and deepest dreams focused on the Temple, and on eternity. 

I wonder if He, like I do, sees that wonder, desire, and hope in our eyes, that I see in hers, and see that eternal promise, and blessing unfolding into something amazing. 

Day 17

Today is all about small and simple blessings. 

After a long night in the hospital with my baby, we got to come home, which was a huge blessing. 

Many prayers were answered by him being able to come home. 

There is this amazing thing that happens, when you snuggle a baby close to you.  A piece of you is healed.  When you hold a baby close, and breath them in, there is a peace that comes.  My faith in everything is healed.

I have had many of those moments today, moments where I held my baby close, dreamed about what his life would be, about who he would be, and about what I needed to do for him, to help him be the man he needs to be. 

And because he is so sick, my heart and mind are in constant prayer for him.  As anyone who knows who has been in constant prayer for someone that they care for with their whole heart, it's a really special spiritual experience.  It is the one thing that helps me not feel like I am failing him. 

Day 16

It's been a rough week at my house. Very sick kids, and a very tired mom.

I had a dear friend comment on my last post, as post I was pretty embarrassed about, considering all the whining. 

As I've talked about before, most of the time, when we really are at the end of our rope, and we pray for help, the Lord sends someone to bless you, to let you know he is there, and he is listening. 

Well, I was at the end of my rope, and I was really struggling.  I was tired, and my babies were sick, and I didn't know what else to do.  I felt like I was failing as a parent, since nothing I seemed to do was making my babies better.  Day 15, was the longest night I think I have ever had. 

Two blessings happened on Day 16, first, by the grace of God, we did survive the night. It truly felt like a miracle by the time morning happened.  And two, on my desperate, near emotional breakdown blog post, I received the sweetest, uplifting comment from an old friend, and fellow mother.  I'm sure to her it seemed like a small thing, but to me, it meant the world, and reminded me that I am not alone, even in the hardest nights of my life.

Day 15

Daddy is at work, both kids are in my bed watching Phineas and Ferb, it's 11:33 pm, and I'm beat.  I haven't slept for days, and am sick myself, but my little man is so sick, he is just on the line of being admitted into the hospital, so here we are, watching tv, in between the frequent bursts of screaming, crying, and coughing so hard he either passes out (literally), or pukes everywhere.  I'm trying to not have a full blown emotional breakdown, and listen for proper breathing from both my crazy bad asthmatic 3 year old, and my very very croupy, bronchitis sick 18 month old.  If the three of us survive this night, it will only be because of the Grace of God.

Day 14

Ok, I'll be honest, I am having a really hard time coming up with something for Day 14, and Day 15... Both kids are really sick, and I am not feeling great+no sleep= a not patient mommy.

I guess today's faith builder, is the forgiveness and kindness of children.  I have been pretty short and impatient with Reagan, I can't handle much more whiny-ness, and she just keeps forgiving me and loving me regardless.  I need to do better, even when I'm tired.

Day 13

This week has been busy, and pretty overwhelming at moments.  Today, as my exhaustion came to a head, I was given a tender mercy.  A nap.  Any mom with sick kids, knows, that a nap, even a short one, can give you the energy and strength you need to conquer everything you need.  Sometimes, they don't come, and when they do, it is evident that they are a tender mercy. 

Last Night

My sweet angel woke up in misery last night.  A combination of a bad head cold, sore throat, growing pains, and night terrors made her scream-cry for about 8 hours.

Adam and I took turns being up with her, and trying to console, a very distraught, and inconsolable child. 

I was exhausted from being up all the night before, and cleaning hard all the previous day.  I was weary, frustrated that I couldn't help her, and mentally strained. 

I said a simple prayer, that I would have the patience, love, and comfort that she needed from me, and that I would have the energy to not only be up with her, but also fulfill my duties that I had today as well. 

It's seems like such a simple thing, but in the moment, it seemed so urgent all that I asked for.  I am grateful, that although it was a difficult and long night for all of us, we were blessed with what we needed to muddle through.  It was perfect, it was merciful, and it was exactly what we needed.  I am grateful.

Prayers

I think I have mentioned before, about how the faith of a child strengths my faith more than any other thing.

My sweet daughter, loves Heavenly Father.  She loves Jesus.  She loves to pray, and she loves to tell people how she knows they love her too, and how she feels it in her heart.

How simple, untainted, and beautiful that is!

Sometimes, when she is scared, she tells me she needs to pray, and sometimes, when she is happy, and wants Heavenly Father to know that she is happy, she prays.  Those prayers touch my heart, and teach me so much!

Often, we only pray when we need/want something, and we are asking for it.  What would it be like to pray, and just tell Heavenly Father how happy we are, and how loved we feel?  What an amazing blessing, that we have that oppertunity to do that just as often as we pray when we struggle?

I need to do better.  I will do better.

What a difference a year makes...

I was talking to my husband the other night, about how different our life has been this past year.

I have been very ill for several years, and during moments of those years, when things were at their worst, I felt despair, and fear.  I had some very dark days, where I couldn't see an end to pain, and emotional anguish.  I kept hoping things would get better, but as days dragged into months, then into years, it became harder and harder to keep my faith, and positivity. 

The hardest moments came, when I was on my knees, in tears, full sobbing, begging for relief, for peace, and for strength, and felt abandoned.  I know, now, that I was not abandoned, that I was being protected and strengthened, and that I was being molded into the person that I needed to be.  That I needed to keep my faith, even in the greatest trial of my life thus far, and be loyal to Him whom I loved, and trusted with my whole heart. 

In those dark moments, it was not easy, but I did not become bitter.  I prayed harder, and differently than I had before.  I did not ask to have the trial removed from me, as I once had, I simply begged for strength to make it through one hour, then one day.  With each passing day, although my physical strength did not grow like I prayed, and I was still very ill, and very weak, my mental resolve, and emotional strength became clear.  I began to notice many tiny tender mercies each day, and it was easier to see the ways that I was being blessed and protected.  I still struggled, I am not perfect, but I was changing. 

Now, I am thankful for my trials, as diffacult, and terrifying as they had been, because they changed me, and they made me a much more loyal, strong, and faithful person than I ever would have been without them.

This illness, and subsequent trials, also opened up my heart, to receive many blessings, and friendships I would have not received had I not been in that exact circumstance.  God's love for me, was manifest through those who were closest to me, and through them, many miracles and blessings were given to me. 

I am not the same person I was when I began this journey 5 years ago.  I am grateful for who I am, and how I got here.  Even though, this has been a hard journey, and it is not fully over, I will be forever grateful, that I was able to see a portion of the Lord's love for me, in the blessings he has given me during this time. 

It would have been very easy to become bitter, and angry, even feel hatred to God. I have known many people who have become that way.  I do not judge them, because I know how hard it is.  I was so lucky to have my parents, and siblings remind me of His love for me, and tell me of tender mercies they had seen in my life.  I would hope that I would have seen that myself, as fully as they did, but I am glad they loved me enough to help me see, so that I could see it on my own later. 

Often, we are given answer to prayer, and receive blessings from others, that God sends to our aid. 

Sometimes...

Sometimes, stupid people make life hard.  I don't think I will ever understand why people are dishonest, the betrayal that brings, can be a faith shaker for me....

I have been reminded in my mind of  a simple truth, after a potentially "faith shaking" event. 

If it was right when you prayed about it, it is right now....

“Opposition turns up almost anyplace something good has happened. It can happen when you are trying to get an education. It can hit you after your first month in your new mission field. It certainly happens in matters of love and marriage. … There are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. … Face your doubts. Master your fears. ‘Cast not away therefore your confidence.’ Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.”

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I'm thankful for moments when life seems dark and bleak, and in a quiet moment, you feel in your mind and in your heart, that you are doing the right thing, you are in the right place, and soon the dark will lift, and you will find your way. 

Mom

Today is my Mom's birthday.  The biggest example of faith in my life has been the examples of faith that my parents are. 

My Mom is a quiet and a very humble person.  Although her words are deep and very meaningful to me, it's her actions, that truly do speak louder than her words.

There have been too many times to count that I have seen my mother on her knees in humble and faithful prayer to our Heavenly Father.  Her faith in Him, never seems to waver, nor does her devotion, and loyalty. 

She has had hard things happen in her life, and she understands more than anyone in my life, what it is like to lose a child.  In the moments, I felt like I could never go on, she was there to hold my hand until I could. 

I love her dearly, and I love the life that she leads, and the incredible strength that radiates from her.  If I could choose anyone for my daughter to look up to for strength and faith it would be her. 

I am constantly gaining from her, learning, and growing.  She teaches me something about faith, patience, strength, and loving every single day. 

I love you Mom! Happy Birthday!

Car

On New Years Eve, we bought a car.  We got a really good deal, and it should last us for quite awhile, but we did end up with a little bit higher payment than we were hoping for.

I've been trying to revamp our budget, and try and figure out how to make it work, and still be able to do the other things we need to do.

We needed a car, and right now, with certain circumstances, getting a loan, was pretty much our only option. 

Anyway, as I have been cutting out things, and trying to figure out where to cut back, on an already skimpy budget, I got a phone call from the dealership.  It's been a week since we bought our car, and during that time they kept looking to find us a better loan.  Seriously, who does that?! The lady that called said she needed us to come back in, because she found us an even better rate, and they wanted to have us come resign a new loan, with a lower payment, and lower interest rate. 

Coincidence?  I think not.  I think it was an answer to many prayers we have before we bought the car, and even more since. 

We prayed that if we were supposed to have this car, it would work out, and we would find a way to be able to afford it, without struggling every month.  When we found out we got the loan we did, we were nervous, but felt good about it, and felt like things would work out.  Having this extra help, and lower payment is incredible, and to me, it's a great blessing, we received because we followed a prompting, even though it was scary, and we weren't sure how it would work, only that it would. 

Late Night Cuddles

Sometimes, the moments of peace, and calm you pray for all day, don't come until the wee hours of the night....

Church can be chaotic, going alone with 2 kids, one of which never, ever stops moving.  Ever.  Sometimes, I feel like I will never get anything out of church again.  The times I used to spend worshiping, are now spent walking the halls for 2 hours with the Little Man so that he isn't screaming, and my Little Miss can go to her class and learn what she needs to learn to be a strong and faithful young woman.  Today, was no exception, the time I did spend in class, my little guy spent screaming.  It can get overwhelming fast, in a place, you associate with peace, and calm. And, sometimes, it feels like if you can't find peace there, when you need it most, you won't find it anywhere. 

Tonight, my little man took his diaper off no less than 8 times in an hour, and proceeded to pee all over my floor in several rooms.  He also decided it would be a fun game, to pour an entire box of Nerds unto the living room floor, pee on them, then roll around naked in them, all while I was scrambling to make dinner before Adam came home from work.  Oh yeah, we rock hard on Sunday nights over here. 

By the time I crawled up the stairs to get them into bed, I was beat in every way.  All I wanted was a second to breathe, and then sleep.  Just as I settled into my book, I heard little foot steps headed my way.

"Mama, can I cuddle for a little while?" Seriously, who can resist those sweet blue eyes? As we cuddled, she asked me to tell her again the story of her.  Usually, I give her the short and sweet version, "Mommy and Daddy loved each other so much, and so we had you." Tonight, my emotions have been very close to the surface, and I wanted her understand how deeply she was loved, how wanted, and how long we waited for her. 

This is the story of her, one of the 2 most beautiful, sacred, and tender mercies I have ever been given. 

I told her how before she was born, Mommy and Daddy prayed very hard for her, and how it took us a very long time to get her here.  I told her about how when she finally came, we were so scared, because she was sick, and we prayed so hard for her again.  I told her, that when I finally got to hold her, I cried, because I was so happy, and I would kiss her, and sing to her, and hold her forever if she would stay mine.  I talked to her, about how I got very sick after she was born, and I was very sick for a long time, and how I was scared, I wasn't going to be able to take care of her like I needed too... Then she said, "And then you had Brother..." I told her, how lucky we were that we got two special babies, both her, and brother.  She told me, that she wanted to pray for another baby, that she wanted a sister.  I cried as I explained to her how sometimes, when Heavenly Father lets a mommy have two special babies, they can't have any more.  My heart broke all over again, as she wiped away my tears.  She cuddled closer and I held her tight.  I can't stop her from growing up too fast, but I can sure soak up those late night cuddles as long as I can. 

As I told her the story of her, all of the tender mercies I received leading up to her birth, and after, came flooding back.  All of the nights of tear filled prayers, begging for a baby, wondering if I was being heard, came to a head.  I know I was heard, I know I was very blessed. Sometimes, I still get very sad, knowing that there won't be anymore babies, swelling in my tummy, and that I can't give her the sister that she wishes, and prays for every night.  But when I tell her, her very special story, of how she came to be, I feel that peace again, that I felt, when I held her for the very first time, that peace that came from countless answered prayers, and years of waiting.  Sometimes, when Heavenly Father gives a mommy 2 special babies, he can't give her anymore.  Sometimes, that's very hard to understand, even as an adult. But, I know, that in the end, it will be all right.

Among Friends

A year ago, my Mom was driving me to a doctors appointment, and we got lost along the way.  We drove by a chapel, and she said excitedly, "It's ok, we're among friends, we're never lost when we are close to the church".  I teased her about it pretty good at the time, and each time I am driving with her in the car, and we pass a church, I tease her a little bit. 

Tonight, as I was driving home with the kids, I was feeling a little lost, both in relation to how to get home, and where I am in life.  Since our move, I have been struggling with being so far away from my support group, from all of my friends, and the people who love us and care about us.  I have tried to help us fit here, but it has been frustrating, and so far unfruitful.

As I drove, looking for where I was, trying to find where I needed to be, I looked beside me, and saw a chapel, and behind it, the Mount Timpanogos Temple lit up in the distance.  In my head, my Mother's words echoed in my ears "It's ok, you're among friends, you're never lost when you are close to the Temple."  I realized in that moment, that there was a dual meaning to those words.  Although I haven't felt at home here, and I've felt very lost since our move, and although I have not felt like I am among friends, I know my Mom's words are true.  When all else is lost, when we are lost, we are never truly lost if we are close to God. He is our truest and most loyal friend, and in time, he will send others to our rescue, and we will feel peace, and feel like we are among friends.

Thank you Mom, for teaching me such a powerful lesson, even if it took me a year to fully understand the meaning behind your words. 

Tender Mercies

I have found, that many of my most faith filled moments, and days that have built my character, and my faith, have also included lots of tender mercies of the Lord.

Today has been a hard day.  I am tired, in every way.  I didn't sleep well, or long, I haven't since I had my son.  He has been struggling really badly today, and I reached a point where I just couldn't go further.  I cannot fix what is wrong with my son, and I cannot  help him, beyond holding him, while he clings to me and screams in pain. 

There were several moments today, in which I did not think I could handle anymore, and something else would happen that needed my attention.  I felt ready to break, and each time, a surge of energy overcame me, and helped me accomplish what I needed to do.  I knew that I was not alone, and although I couldn't get relief from the storm, or calm like I prayed for, I had the help to push through to the other side. 

I keep relearning, that He cannot always remove a challenge from our lives, and simply calm a storm, because we cannot handle it anymore.  But if he cannot, he will be there with us to push through the storm, and do the best we can. 

A Child's Prayer

Sometimes, the thing that boost my faith the most, is watching my Reagan pray. 

She has the sweetest, most simple, faith filled prayers. 

This morning early, she came into my room, upset about a bad dream.  I told her to say a prayer to ask Heavenly Father to help her not be scared anymore. 

A few minutes later she came in and told me that she said and prayer, and she wasn't scared anymore.

Her simple faith, helps me have faith that if God can answer such a simple prayer from a child, that he can answer a prayer of mine.  If only I ask.

For this child I prayed...

"For this child I prayed and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of Him."

1 Samuel 1:27

My sweet little boy is 18 months.  Those 18 months have been hard.  The previous 9 of my pregnancy with him, were hard.  It seems, from the moment this little one took life inside me, that he has fought for each moment.  I had an incredibly difficult pregnancy, one that was a pure miracle, just a 6 weeks before I became pregnant with him, I had my final surgery for a rare form of ovarian cancer, that spread uterine.  I had many difficulties before that challenge, but that pretty much solidified the not having any more children.  My little man, fought hard each day in my womb, and has fought each of the days since his birth.  I prayed every second of everyday for him before I was pregnant with him, and every second of my pregnancy, spending every hour in bed, pleading with God to let me keep him.  Each day since, I have said a prayer in some form or another for him.  Many hours on my knees, begging, pleading, tears streaming down my face to Him.  Many internal prayers for peace and comfort for both of us, not knowing what else to do.  And, so, so many prayers before, and during doctors office visits, and hospital visits.  I have never stopped praying for my boy. 

In the past few months, there have been some new struggles, and worries come into the picture, and again, I pray.  There isn't much else I can do, but pray and hope for the best. 

The news at the doctors is often discouraging, or full of unanswered questions.  The scare this month, was a couple of the doctors thinking that he had a mutation of Cystic Fibrosis, that effects the pancreas.  We have been on edge, and I have been terrified.  CF is basically a death sentence, and the promise of a difficult, and painfully sick life.   Males, are almost certainly infertile, if they live that long.  CF of the pancreas, means you also have CF effecting your lungs, and thick mucus buildup in all of your organs.  It is painful, and you can't be around people so you don't get more sick.  We have kept him home as much as possible, even skipping church, so that we could keep him healthy.  He gets sick so easily as it is, so we wanted to give him a fighting chance.  He has had between a low grade fever, to a high fever, at least 3 days a week on and off for about a month and a half, and already been hospitalized this past month.

The doctor called me personally this week... that never happens unless it is terrible news.  Gratefully, this time, it was good news.  His tests came back, and he does not have any mutation of CF! She thinks that he still has a pancreas disease, but not one that will kill him, just make him be on some cocktail of meds forever.  I think we can handle that. 

We kept things quiet about the CF, and only told a few family members, until we knew more.  But I know there were many that prayed for my child, along with Adam and I.  I knew that even if he had it, that we would get through, and enjoy our time together that we had.  I knew that there was a reason for it, if he did have it.  But, I could sing to the Heavens, in joy, and praise to that God that gave me life, for granting us peace, comfort, and finally answers to a very worrisome thing.  I am glad that He blessed us with people to hold us up in faith, when we were struggling, and wonderful skilled doctors and nurses that work hard to treat my son.  I will be forever grateful that He blessed my boy with strength, to keep fighting, even when it was so hard.

Though this has been a hard 18 months in many ways, I am so grateful, that through the challenges we have faced, that it has forced me to simplify my life, forced me to see how blessed we are, how much God is watching over us, and forced me to "circle my wagons" around what's most important, and who is most important.  I am glad it has taught me to enjoy the small victories, and the wonderful peaceful moments we have amongst the chaos. 

We are so, very, very blessed. 

Faith Is Like a Little Seed....

...if planted it will grow.

I decided that this years goal, was to grow my faith in, and my relationship with Christ.  It will not always been an easy task.  Life is hard, and it is easy to be pessimistic in this messed up world we live in.

My goal, and I am hoping I don't fail too often, is to write about something that strengthened my life, or my relationship with Christ every day.  I am hoping if I make myself write down each day, something that I was blessed with, that I will notice more, and that my faith will grow this year....

So...

Day 1: To be honest, this hasn't been the greatest day, or the best start to the new year.  I am sick, and I am exhausted beyond words.  Adam started the night shift this week, and it has been hard on everyone.  Clearly on him the most, but we have all suffered.  The kids are fussy, and want Dad, and I am fussy, and want him too.  Today, they ripped apart the living room, and Wyatt dumped an entire jumbo bag of sunflower seeds on the floor, and kept throwing them in the air, and all over the living room.  While I was near tears, and trying to contain myself before completely losing my cool, I watched him with pure joy on his face, saying "whoosh! whoosh!" when he let the seeds "rain down" on him.  It was then I realized how much he has grown, how much he has blossomed this past month.  He has had a hard 18 months.  He has struggled in every way possible, and his development has been lacking.  I have worried about him constantly, and been sick and sleepless about him for 18 months.  This past month, he just blossomed, and caught up in many ways.  He still has many struggles ahead, but his development has sky rocketed! He is finally wanting to discover his world, and finds joy in it.  His speech is developing better, and to watch him associate the right word, with the right action fills me with joy.  Although it's been an impossibly hard day, and I want to cry when I think about the mess I face alone after they finally go to bed tonight, it fills my heart with hope for him, when I see him have fun, speak, laugh, play, and interact with his sister.  That hope stems from the faith I have clung to since his birth, that he would be ok, and that in the end, it would all be for the best.  I am grateful that I was touched by the spirit to see such growth in him tonight, instead of anger.