I'm Back :)

I kind of failed for about a month there on my goal. But I'm back now :) My apologies for disappearing for a bit.

This week has been rough. I haven't had much sleep, and I feel like I have never needed it more.  My boy has been struggling.  He always struggles, but he has really, really been struggling the last month.  It has been hard on me, to try and comfort a comfortless boy.  My heart has been broken for him, and full of constant prayer.  Some nights, it feels like He is not hearing me, as I sob with my sobbing in pain boy, pray, and beg for relief and comfort for him, and for answers to come to me to how to help him.  I know, that without him, it would be worse, but in those moments of desperation, it is just. so. hard. to feel heard. 

Some nights, when things are very hard, and I feel so desperate for him, and for myself, thoughts come to me about before he was born, and when I struggled to keep him alive inside me.  Those were dark days. They were so hard.  I begged for the Lord to keep him alive, to let him live, and be mine.  I longed for the days with him, holding him, rocking him, and comforting him, and singing him to sleep.  I dreamt about what his life would be when he came, and who he would be, and how I could help him.  I loved him since I dreamed about him years ago, and in the moment I knew he was to be mine, I knew that I would do whatever it took to let him live a full, wonderful life. 

I realized today, that those incredibly difficult days of praying for this baby to be conceived, then praying for him to survive my pregnancy and birth, those days, where preparing me to love him, and comfort him through these hard days now.  His pain, long sleepless nights, and days filled with screaming and crying, do not inconvenience me, or anger me.  His pain, is my pain, his joy, and moments of triumph are mine.  I think this most be a little bit of what Heavenly Father feels.  He feels every bit of anguish, pain, and despair we feel, and just like I feel for my boy, our joy, and moments of triumph are his.

Hard nights like this, are when the Atonement comes alive for me.  I always felt like people only notice the blessings of it during the good times, and after the storm had passed, not in the thick of it.  I guess He knows I need it now, and not when this trial is over.